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|Sunday, July 18th, 2010|
Just to keep updated and the facts all clear:
M nursed till she was 26 months. And my new little girl A is nursing strong and happy with no real amount of solid food yet at 7 months right now.
|Monday, May 25th, 2009|
|moi, the wierdo
I am a weirdo. I am making non-traditional choices for my family. And I love them. Perhaps instead of being offended and feeling attacked when I am called a weirdo, I should instead accept it as a badge of honor. Instead of following along with what everyone else does, because it is what everyone else does(and truly no other reason) I have made my own choices. I have researched I have thought and I have decided that these are the best options. And I have to say that I love them... I think my daughter is fantastic, and I think the decisions I have made reflect off of her. I believe in my choices, and I plan to continue with all of them on a next child.. I even plan on making some of them better.. or even more bizarre. That's the other thing, you say I'm a weirdo and you don't even know the half of my plans... just wait and see my friends, it will get even better.. I promise.
So I will wear my badge and I will hopefully continue to speak up for what I believe, if nothing else in the hopes that it will at least make you think about the decisions you are making. Make decisions.. don't follow the crowd.
Now I will say that there are some decisions that I have made that are not ones I would recommend.. not because I don't believe in them, but because they are very personal, they are a commitment that you have to make... but there are decsions that I have made that I think are fantastic.. that I think everyone should at least try out once or twice.
that's it.. that's my speech.
|Wednesday, May 13th, 2009|
|Out with the boys
I get frustrated with this probably every week or so and I'm just not sure if it's justified and at what level.. maybe it's just a compromise that's needed.
I try to translate it into "normal people" terms, but it's hard. Now he works evenings.. hell when I work I work evenings. But so on a good week we have two evenings together a week. thus like "normal people" two mornings or days together. Well L has friends from his previous job that want to go out like once a week(or more seriously) and just go to a bar and drink. Now I won't admit that I am crazy about the being out at all... but go out for a few hours not a big deal... what gets frustrating or what seems to really get me is that when he gets home he's drunk.. not drunk enough to be sick or falling over himself but enough to be silly, which is fine for M, she loves it.. and then drunk enough to pretty much fall asleep wherever his body lands.
Now I know that I'm the mom and she's my daughter and on some level my responsibility, though I believe strongly that it is shared duty/responsibility between both of us. But every night I make dinner, I get her ready for bed and I put her to sleep. It would be really nice if on the two nights that L is home he could do bath time, he could put her to sleep, he could argue with her over dinner, or even god forbid we could all eat dinner together.
I understand that our times are swapped.. that having lunch together as a family is really the best we can hope for right now.(not that we really do that too often either) I understand that I also enjoy getting out of the house one night a week when I go to knitting, but I have to argue that when I come home I still play parent. As much as I would like to come home and continue knitting, I don't.
I also have to point out that L is really a great Dad and this is the one hiccup that really gets to me... he more then not gets up early with her and lets me sleep cause I am no morning person. But I just have to mention that I usually am up with her at dawn when she wants to nurse.. though I do usually fall mostly back to sleep and if I'm lucky so does she. Now he gets up early with her and does the breakfast thing and this is all after he works till 11:00 and usually comes home and stays up for a bit.. so really it's a great move on his part.
Maybe it's a compromise that needs to happen... like can you go out and drink with the guys, but come home sober enough to do bed and bath time? I mean is that too much? I mean what's the trade off when it's daytime that they are gone and then it's the weekend? Does mom still do everything? Isn't it kinda normal that Dad does Sunday morning breakfast or something? I really don't have much of personal experience or anything, I can't remember living with 2 two parents.
Am I being too whiney and I should just suck it up that it's my job?
I mean, I know this is a bit off, but if there is ever another I'm not going to be able to do everything... and I guess that's what the trade off is, most of the time (5 nights a week) I do have to do everything, so the 2 nights that he is home, it would be nice to have some help and not a snoring lump on the couch. (hee hee.. that's mean, but true)
|Saturday, April 11th, 2009|
I was hoping to be finishing up, but we do have it down to twice a day, which isn't bad. when we first wake up and down for our nap... we'll see how much farther we go. She definitely has other plans on when to stop.
I'll add a birthday picture when I get to uploading them.. but for now, this one is fun:
At the beach in L.A.
*I'm post dating this for records and such.. correctness as well.
|Thursday, April 2nd, 2009|
I am becoming a total yarn addict... Oh well.
|Wednesday, December 31st, 2008|
It's about that time for the annual book list... I'm not expecting it to be great. At work I was doing pretty good and I have been highly enjoying the Philippa Gregory novels, but I definitely slowed down a bit at the end of the year and was laying on the pressure to finish this one book yesterday.
"You're Not You" -Michelle Wildgen
"We are all Welcome Here" -Elizabeth Berg
"The Day the MGM Grand Hotel Burned" -Deirdre Coakley, Hank Greenspun and Gary C. Gerard
"Escape" -Carolyn Jessup
"Breaking her Fall" -Stephen Goodwin
"Crawling..a Father's first year" -Elisha Cooper
"The Wisdom of Big Bird" -Carroll Spinney
"The Other Boleyn Girl" -Philippa Gregory
"Burning Bright" -Tracy Chevalier
"Gone, Baby, Gone" -Dennis Lehane
"Queen's Fool" -Philippa Gregory
"The Butcher, The Baker, The Candlestick Maker" -Suzanne Portnoy
"Tipping the Velvet" -Sarah Waters
"The Virgin's Lover" -Philippa Gregory
Yeah, not a great list at all, though some of those books were pretty fantastic. Also looking at my calender, I guess when I first started working I wasn't reading at all and then it slowed again in the last month or so... oh well, not to mention I have a toddler and a knitting addiction.
|Sunday, December 7th, 2008|
1. What's so wrong with my current career? i know I barely have one because of a babe.. but still. My god mother was just visiting and was like why didn't you ever think about doing that, you could do that... teaching sign language to kids is what she was referring to.. but no matter what she was referring to... what's wrong with what I do?? I just didn't realize I was in the market for a new career.
2. Why can't I be like everyone else and just enjoy things? I just found out about sock clubs and I am soooo excited and sooo in love with the idea. I get a package in the mail? It's filled with yarn and other goodies?? It's like a secret club??? could it get any better? I think not. But I tell people about it and I already have 2 people telling me, hey you could do this, you could send kits.. 1st I don't think they understand that these people are dying their own yarns and I don't know how to do that. 2nd, why can't I be like everyone else?? get the craft in the mail, make the craft and be happy? Why do I have to be teaching and making for others or making money off of it. I want to be like everyone else.. crafty, but no more crafty then the average jo or jane..
|Monday, December 1st, 2008|
|Happy Birthday to Amie.
So I just had the strangest realization. I have been saying for my entire life, well most of my 28 years, that my sister is 9 and a half years older then me.. but I just redid the math and she isn't. She is 8 and a half years older then me. She was 8 and a half when I was born and turned 9 at the end of that year.
Her birthday is December 1st 1971 and mine is in June of 1980.
72, 73, 74, 75, 76, 77, 78, 79, 80
8 and a half.
It's her birthday today, thus why I'm thinking about such silly things. But to be making that mistake your whole life is just crazy to me. This means that she turned 37 today, not 39 as I had previously been thinking. I'm crazy.
|Thursday, November 20th, 2008|
I guess my las post sounded a lot more depressing then I meant it to. I just had a lot on my mind to spill out.
I also just reread it and am appalled by all the typos... I hate reading typos, so I apologize.
I've almost finished a sweater and 3 golf club covers.. I'm almost done with Christmas.. YAY!!!
|Monday, November 17th, 2008|
|Sorry... it's long...
I apologize for the length, I don't get this much alone time to often.
What is it that causes me to expect romantic gestures? Is the media? The ads I see allllll the time on TV?? To almost crave them.. and more specifically why do I crave them about a thing, and even if you will that I don't even totally understand or care about? I don't have any crazy romantic ideals about the actual marriage, but for some reason I feel like there should be some romance in the engagement... I think about my daughter, and possibly other children asking me someday, "how did daddy ask you to marry him?" when in actuality I have never posed this question to either of my parents.... is that because I don't remember them being married to each other? I mean my dad has had 4 chances.. do you think he did something amazing with all of them, or any of them for that matter?? And why am I so chicken to even ask him? I can ask him just about anything else... the marriage thing, it's just funny.
On the topic of my dad.. I feel like I had an "a-ha" this morning. Now this is all assumption, but lets say that the average person has general discussions with their father from an early age and they realize that when they approach this man with a problem he will take account of the situation, tell you what you did wrong and how to fix it. I'm of course making a huge ass out of myself to say that all men respond to questions/situations in this manner.. but for the most part I think it's true. Having grown up with this script playing out on a regular basis you probably learn not to approach this man with a situation where you don't want to be told how you are wrong and what you are supposed to do to fix it. Now, my dad is not like this at all.. this is a man who wouldn't tell me what to do if I begged him.. and trust me I have. So what is a girl supposed to do? How was I supposed to learn that talking to men will never ever get me anything close to the response that I'm looking for i.e. support, condolence and mainly just a caring person who is interested in and wants to listen to me. It has been accused that my father supports me blindly.. (it has been accused as a negative, I know you're shocked.. as was I), and perhaps in many ways he has and continues to... He feels strongly that it is my life, not his.. and I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, not him. (I have to say I strongly agree with this statement as well.) So what is the solution?? How does one learn to trust and open up to a man that just wants to tell you how you are wrong.. I'm obviously years behind in my training... I need some cliff notes or something.
My emotions. This may be a hard one to explain or concept, but lets try... I'm pretty passionate, I won't deny that, hell I'll pretty much praise it and paint a sign that says so, wait I've kinda done that haven't I? Well anyways somehow I think beyond being passionate I think I am a bit reserved.. have I always been this way? not sure.. but maybe it's not that I'm reserved more then that when I say it I mean it. I like this. That means I like him... hmm I wanna go snorkeling, I really really really want to go snorkeling. I remember an instance at work where I went to a superior for like the first time to say that I was having an issue with someone and I would appriciate them stepping in to assist. Well they blew me off, and I truly believe that they blew me off cause everyone and their brother came to them with issues and it wasn't until the issues became an issue(huh?) would they bother to step in. Now I felt that hey, I never come to you with problems so when I come to you with one I would kinda assume it must be something real so maybe I should deal with it now. He chose to deal with it will after and into the issue, creating more work for all involved. Maybe just across the board I say what I mean.. except maybe when I'm upset... I feel passionate about everything that I say? So hey, you didn't say that this was the house, this was the one, you were in love with this one, so I didn't know. None of that really seems to fly. I said I liked it... and I said it a lot. I meant it when I said the first the fifth and the tenth time.. were you not listening? It's not my money, it's not even my name on the house.. really how much power should I assume on this decision? And if I'm going to say that then I suppose I shouldn't really be all that upset when we lose it too. We lost the house I really liked. I'm really excited about a house we are seeing tomorrow, but I'm scared that he's going to say no, that he's going to freak out about the extra fees... I feel a need to start talking myself out of the house already.. and I hate that feeling. It kinda sucks.
Beyond those thoughts all I can think is that I think I may need more friends.... in this city I live I always live in a constant fear that they are going to move away and leave me.. trust me it could happen. Is it possible that I have worn out the welcome with the friends I have? I know I judge myself pretty harshly that they hate me and will never want to see me again... I guess I just don't feel as secure as I have with previous friends.
|Saturday, October 11th, 2008|
18 months, and really it's been pretty easy. 2 years is my goal, we'll see in 6 months if I make it there. :o) Now on to the cutie face:
Family Photo at Bellagio
|Friday, October 3rd, 2008|
|my shadow. my rival. no more.
Wow.. that was overwhelming.. and I really feel like I might need a pep talk after that, but being home alone with a napping baby, that's a little complicated... so a self pep-talk... GO!!
Why do I compare myself to her? Did we create that on ourselves.. is it just me? Did someone create it for us and we just picked up and ran?? Am I jealous? Do I feel more successful then her? Is she more successful then me? Is her life better?
I have learned that people who hurt me and break my heart are not allowed in my life, that's just the rule. I don't need people around like that.. so I guess that really gets to it. If I was involved, if I was getting little notes and presents here and there would I be a better, a happier person. No. I don't feel like I am missing anything not getting those things in the mail, in my life. My life is very full and very complete in a different way I will admit, but I believe it is full in a way of my own choosing.
*I have the most beautiful baby that loves me and that I feel I am making the best decisions and choices for... well I am making some more untraditional choices for her, and everyday I feel better and better about them, I feel that these are the decisions that I want to be making.
*I work for the company that I have only ever dreamed about working for.. and I get to work there on pretty much my own terms, trust me, it doesn't get any better then that.
*I have a Leprechaun that loves me.. even if it is in the form of a flirting 15 yr old.. who is an amazing dad and loves our baby soooooo much. He also takes very good care of me, he provides and keeps me safe, even if he's not so good as being sweet to me when I'm sick.. oh well.
*I feel like I am really on the verge of getting on board the boat of my creativity.. not that I'm going to wake up and be creative for the first time, just that it needs a bit of momentum, and I think it might be on it's way.. I just have to learn/figure out how to jump on board and enjoy the ride.
Have I jumped into my decisions? Possibly, but at least I'm not NO!!!
I'm not going to go there, I don't need to put her down to make myself feel better. I just need to know that I am me, and that I am the best me. That I am going to be the best me. She's not in my life now, and she never will be again.
There are many things I would like to do in life that I haven't had the chance to do yet, that I may never have to chance to do because of some of the decisions I have made.. but so be it. I have traveled, I have seen more then most and I am learning and growing(I hope) on a regular basis. I made an amazing baby. and if that baby gets in the way of some of my goals, which stills waits to be seen, then so be it. She was my choice... she
is making me what I am, not some person who took what she needed from me when she needed it and left me alone in the ruins.
The babe will just have to travel and see the world with me some day. :o) well her and the rest that are yet to come.
|Friday, August 8th, 2008|
I really love being around people who confirm my choices.. who are going through the same things as me and make me feel good about my effort.. that I'm not doing nearly as bad a job as I sometimes think. I do feel confident in my decisions, I do feel like I am making the best decisions I can... the best choices.. as I see fit. But it's also nice to be inspired. To be around someone who I think is doing an amazing job... and I enjoy that it doesn't really make me feel negative, doesn't make me feel like I'm not doing something right(for once) just makes me realize there is more that I should be doing.
oh, another wake up call, in another year or so my baby is going to be a little girl. I know that's really really freaking obvious.. but still surprises for some reason.. :o)
|Wednesday, August 6th, 2008|
Well I've been working like a crazy person lately.. which allows me to read a lot, but leaves my knitting a bit neglected. It also seems to cause me to become super inspired over sewing things, but of course with out the time to act on any of it... oh well. Beyond working I am planning a trip to L.A. and I haven't heard back from the people I really want to see while there.. HELLO!?!?!?!?!? Are you out there??
and I guess on top of that M is sleeping super super late today... maybe we will count it as she got up at 8 and napped at 10:30/11:00.
Oh I have a playdate, hopefully, that at best could lead to some fun work contact and at worst some new friends to play with .. so hopefully a win-win situation.
I want to be social, but it's difficult. it's challenging? oh well.. different stage of my life, right?
I have to many interest to get all to before I die.. that makes me a bit sad. c'est la vie
|Saturday, July 12th, 2008|
|ramblings inside my head
A. I don't know how to argue/discuss.. I've never been taught and I live with the perpetual fear that if we argue then the love is gone, I've always had this fear, don't know if I can outgrow it.
B. I am shocked that people can touch my life so much, mean so much to me and then it's like they need nothing from me anymore and I don't exist anymore. This is not as much a complaint that people don't want me in their life, it's more that amazing things happen in people's lives and I don't even know... I've missed them. And it makes me sad that I've missed them. I want to be involved, I want to give my love and support for these amazing things in your life.
C. I really must work at being a better friend.
D. I was good with the baby stage, the toddler stage I don't think I'm so good with.
E. I should be sleeping.
F. I just made my first center pull ball, and it's got to be one of the most satisfying things I have ever done... and it's pretty to boot.
G. I'm not good with the toddler stage, and I need breaks.. but that's complicated at the moment.
H. I hate that my closest friends are far away from me.
I should be sleeping.. good night.
|Saturday, June 21st, 2008|
I feel it lurking over my shoulder... the depression and the dread.. the disappointment. Not that I'm old or something, cause I don't feel old. Just the fact that the day is really important to me, and no one else. I suppose it's like that for everyone, I don't know, I've only ever been me... but every year all I want to do is cancel it. Delete the day off the calendar, sleep through it like it never happened.
It's my favorite day to look forward to;
It's my least favorite day to live through.
|Sunday, June 1st, 2008|
I love seeing other people's avatars and I always think they capture themselves great.. I feel like I fail.. like I need a mirror close by cause I don't know what I look like, isn't that insane? Well this is my attempt.. tell me what you think I messed up.
|Saturday, May 31st, 2008|
|Sex and the City Movie POSSIBLE SPOILER!!!!!
SPOILER!!!!! consider yourself warned. though I will code and not mention anything really specific.
1st I was amazed at how emotionally involved I was.. I felt like I was bawling through a huge portion of the movie... just chunks of it were soo heart wrenching. And then my character starts out with a day in my life, "see i am like her" and then the bottom drops out. Mind you there was plenty of humor as well... but sad.
I feel like they took the show to the big screen and so threw big issues at the girls, and I know people are like it's just a dumb tv-show about sluts, but I think it brings up real issues and real things to think about... and I think forgiveness was a huge issue in this one. What does it take to forgive someone? To accept and move on, to love and forget... and how do you make the decision? Do you make sure you never make a decision out of fear? out of "it's the right thing"? When do you put your own happiness first? And how do you ask your friends to go along with you when you do decide that it's love and that you are going to forgive. My character she put her foot down and said no way, which this isn't the first time for that.. but when she realized the shoe might be on the other foot I think she rethought, and one can only hope made the right decision. Why did she have to totally leave... when is love not enough? Love was of course another huge theme in the movie, I think it was written out in at least two props(or set dressing).. and if you are going to put a word out there it better really really mean something, not just the word in real life, but the story line and world you are creating. I'm not sure she HAD to leave.. but for her it was amazing she did as long as she did.
The movie also brought up my ultimate of career goal again... I need to discover and learn and master the skills that will make me valuable and amazing. :o)
I loved the movie... and I don't want it to be, you're a fan you were going to love it anyways.. actually I expected to be disappointed.. how could they take a glimmer that is perfectly packaged in 30/45 min and stretch it into hours without it becoming too much?? But I think they stepped up. The fashion scene was a bit much, but whatever.. they paid their homage to NYC, they gave a great intro into the story. And I just read a review that said they didn't spend enough time on the relationship between the girls... but if they had I don't know how strong the movie could be... can you really spend 2 hours watching them talk over brunch? I like all the characters and interactions and such, but really? Oh I was also surprised by one of the choices C made... Samantha, not Miranda?? maybe it was played as trump-type card.
P.S. I love that one of the most hear-wrenching scenes was almost impossible not to laugh at, and I know they did that on purpose.. too cute.
If you had all the money in the world would that affect your decisions? Not the what to buy and what to wear and what to drive, but the big ones.. the life changing ones. And if it does, then should we make those decisions as if we did have all the money in the world.. does that mean they are the right ones? or that we are just deciding them with the right brain, our hearts.....
|Friday, April 11th, 2008|
I'm posting this post the date.. but I know I made it, and I know it's there.. and really isn't that all that matters? Well that and the fact that I'm doing it... duh!
|Sunday, March 16th, 2008|
What a tough day.. a tough day that ended with no answers. just more questions to fill my head.
What happened to that person who cuddled me out of a bad day sooo long ago?