Why do I compare myself to her? Did we create that on ourselves.. is it just me? Did someone create it for us and we just picked up and ran?? Am I jealous? Do I feel more successful then her? Is she more successful then me? Is her life better?
I have learned that people who hurt me and break my heart are not allowed in my life, that's just the rule. I don't need people around like that.. so I guess that really gets to it. If I was involved, if I was getting little notes and presents here and there would I be a better, a happier person. No. I don't feel like I am missing anything not getting those things in the mail, in my life. My life is very full and very complete in a different way I will admit, but I believe it is full in a way of my own choosing.
*I have the most beautiful baby that loves me and that I feel I am making the best decisions and choices for... well I am making some more untraditional choices for her, and everyday I feel better and better about them, I feel that these are the decisions that I want to be making.
*I work for the company that I have only ever dreamed about working for.. and I get to work there on pretty much my own terms, trust me, it doesn't get any better then that.
*I have a Leprechaun that loves me.. even if it is in the form of a flirting 15 yr old.. who is an amazing dad and loves our baby soooooo much. He also takes very good care of me, he provides and keeps me safe, even if he's not so good as being sweet to me when I'm sick.. oh well.
*I feel like I am really on the verge of getting on board the boat of my creativity.. not that I'm going to wake up and be creative for the first time, just that it needs a bit of momentum, and I think it might be on it's way.. I just have to learn/figure out how to jump on board and enjoy the ride.
Have I jumped into my decisions? Possibly, but at least I'm not NO!!! I'm not going to go there, I don't need to put her down to make myself feel better. I just need to know that I am me, and that I am the best me. That I am going to be the best me. She's not in my life now, and she never will be again.
There are many things I would like to do in life that I haven't had the chance to do yet, that I may never have to chance to do because of some of the decisions I have made.. but so be it. I have traveled, I have seen more then most and I am learning and growing(I hope) on a regular basis. I made an amazing baby. and if that baby gets in the way of some of my goals, which stills waits to be seen, then so be it. She was my choice... she is making me what I am, not some person who took what she needed from me when she needed it and left me alone in the ruins.
The babe will just have to travel and see the world with me some day. :o) well her and the rest that are yet to come.