Tiffany (misstiff) wrote,

Sorry... it's long...

I apologize for the length, I don't get this much alone time to often.

What is it that causes me to expect romantic gestures?  Is the media?  The ads I see allllll the time on TV??  To almost crave them.. and more specifically why do I crave them about a thing, and even if you will that I don't even totally understand or care about?  I don't have any crazy romantic ideals about the actual marriage, but for some reason I feel like there should be some romance in the engagement...  I think about my daughter, and possibly other children asking me someday, "how did daddy ask you to marry him?"  when in actuality I have never posed this question to either of my parents....  is that because I don't remember them being married to each other?  I mean my dad has had 4 chances.. do you think he did something amazing with all of them, or any of them for that matter??  And why am I so chicken to even ask him?  I can ask him just about anything else... the marriage thing, it's just funny.

On the topic of my dad.. I feel like I had an "a-ha" this morning.  Now this is all assumption, but lets say that the average person has general discussions with their father from an early age and they realize that when they approach this man with a problem he will take account of the situation, tell you what you did wrong and how to fix it.  I'm of course making a huge ass out of myself to say that all men respond to questions/situations in this manner.. but for the most part I think it's true.  Having grown up with this script playing out on a regular basis you probably learn not to approach this man with a situation where you don't want to be told how you are wrong and what you are supposed to do to fix it.  Now, my dad is not like this at all.. this is a man who wouldn't tell me what to do if I begged him.. and trust me I have.  So what is a girl supposed to do?  How was I supposed to learn that talking to men will never ever get me anything close to the response that I'm looking for i.e. support, condolence and mainly just a caring person who is interested in and wants to listen to me.  It has been accused that my father supports me blindly.. (it has been accused as a negative, I know you're shocked.. as was I), and perhaps in many ways he has and continues to...  He feels strongly that it is my life, not his.. and I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, not him.  (I have to say I strongly agree with this statement as well.)  So what is the solution??  How does one learn to trust and open up to a man that just wants to tell you how you are wrong.. I'm obviously years behind in my training... I need some cliff notes or something.

My emotions.  This may be a hard one to explain or concept, but lets try...  I'm pretty passionate, I won't deny that, hell I'll pretty much praise it and paint a sign that says so, wait I've kinda done that haven't I?  Well anyways  somehow I think beyond being passionate I think I am a bit reserved.. have I always been this way?  not sure..  but maybe it's not that I'm reserved more then that when I say it I mean it.  I like this.  That means I like him...  hmm I wanna go snorkeling, I really really really want to go snorkeling.  I remember an instance at work where I went to a superior for like the first time to say that I was having an issue with someone and I would appriciate them stepping in to assist.  Well they blew me off, and I truly believe that they blew me off cause everyone and their brother came to them with issues and it wasn't until the issues became an issue(huh?) would they bother to step in.  Now I felt that hey, I never come to you with problems so when I come to you with one I would kinda assume it must be something real so maybe I should deal with it now.  He chose to deal with it will after and into the issue, creating more work for all involved.  Maybe just across the board I say what I mean.. except maybe when I'm upset...  I feel passionate about everything that I say?  So hey, you didn't say that this was the house, this was the one, you were in love with this one, so I didn't know.  None of that really seems to fly.  I said I liked it... and I said it a lot.  I meant it when I said the first the fifth and the tenth time..  were you not listening?  It's not my money, it's not even my name on the house..  really how much power should I assume on this decision?  And if I'm going to say that then I suppose I shouldn't really be all that upset when we lose it too.  We lost the house I really liked.  I'm really excited about a house we are seeing tomorrow, but I'm scared that he's going to say no, that he's going to freak out about the extra fees...  I feel a need to start talking myself out of the house already.. and I hate that feeling.  It kinda sucks.

Beyond those thoughts all I can think is that I think I may need more friends....  in this city I live I always live in a constant fear that they are going to move away and leave me.. trust me it could happen.  Is it possible that I have worn out the welcome with the friends I have?  I know I judge myself pretty harshly that they hate me and will never want to see me again...  I guess I just don't feel as secure as I have with previous friends.
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